Dispatches From The Hospital Room

I was collecting some of my writings for the blog from my time in the hospital. While reviewing some of them, it became clear that the Dilaudid was doing some of the writing for me. Here are some of the more lucid passages.

DOCTORS: You say much more with your diagnosis than the name of the disease.

You sit in the hospital with a vague idea of what is wrong with you. You know something is wrong with your blood and the term pancytopenia has been thrown around along with the less frequent, leukemia. After a bone marrow biopsy you wait for the verdict. You hope for the best, but the difference between the two diagnoses is a series of B12 shots or, well, cancer.

So Doc, when you say the words, “You have Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia” you are also saying:

“You will never see your kids grow up.”
“You will never see them graduate high school or college or fall in love or get married.”
“You will never see your grandkids.”
“You will be a photo on the wall that nobody talks about because everybody gets a little sad when they do.”
“Your family will be financially ruined.”
“Despite health insurance, there will come a time when that runs out and you will be grasping at straws for any experimental treatment that might save your life.”
“You will mortgage your house, you will drain the kids’ college fund, you will sell your very soul to anybody who will give you another day or two of hope.”
“You will break the promise you made to your wife and yourself that you would take care of her all of her life.”
“You will never hold hands with your wife in a hammock on the beach in Negril when you’re 70.”
“You will turn the love of your life, your lover, into your caretaker.”
“You will hate yourself for that.”
“You will never (insert your dream here) .”
“You will never (insert dream vacation here) .”
“You will deeply regret watching so much TV, not making more friends, being so rude to Tom, saying those things about Jen, and not taking that chance when you were 30, .............”

Doc, all these thoughts take place in the uncomfortable 30 seconds of silence that follow the word “leukemia” and before you explain that acute promyelocytic leukemia has a very high cure rate and I am in very good hands at Penn where they have the best blood cancer doctors in the world.

Try and remember that.