C'mon! Get Up And Dance With Me!

Oh yes. It's Official.
Remission.
Say it Loud & Proud.
RE-MIS-SION
Proof? Proof, you say?
Certainly.
Here is my MyPENNHEALTH page featuring my current diagnosis:

What does that mean?
Well, as I am sure you either know or suspect, nothing happens in a hospital until the computer code gets changed. Yesterday, my diagnosis code was changed from Acute Myeloid Leukemia to Acute Myeloid Leukemia in Remission
My blood counts are back to (low) normal in less than a week. And I have one more round of chemo starting next week before we put this bitch to bed for good.
Or, to put it in a more horrifically graphic way - which I find more viscerally satisfying- The leukemia is sprawled out on the floor and I am standing with my heel on it's throat, slowly increasing the pressure and waiting to hear that satisfying crack as I crush it's spine.
Too much? Perhaps.
But boy, it sure feels good.

Can't Swim? Hell, The Fall'd Probably Kill You

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I wish I could say I've been busy.
I've been waiting. For blood to go. For blood to return. For a fever that may never come.
You know. Same cancer shit. Different day.
I know I bellyache about the poisonous chemo. But it is extremely safe and my condition is well managed.
And then... there are the side-effects.
You never know what you're going to get: constipation, diarrhea, peripheral neuropathy, itching, dry skin, sweats, hemmorhoids, hair loss, hair gain, and on and on and on...
And then there is Neutropenia. With my immune system down anything goes. What will it be? A stray virus? A little bacteria in my fruit juice? A little e coli?
So how goes it? It goes well. I have survived the chemo and I am riding out the side effects.
So I've made the jump. Let's see if I can swim.

I'm Really Not A Trekkie

But try and tell that to Coop.

Here is some more of his Photoshop work.

The Future Ain't What It Used To Be

Yogi Berra said that.

It would be nice to think that quote was from somebody like Isaac Asimov, but Yogi said the words first - whether he knew it or not.

Caught in the grips of self-analysis brought on by my recent introduction to mortality, I can't avoid questions like, "What am I leaving behind for my children?"

Most aspects of that question are too big to actually contemplate. Global warming makes me pessimistic about the environment. The economy makes me concerned over the future of the middle class. Politics makes me concerned for social progress. Government makes me lose heart over prospects for peace in the world.

You see? Too much. That way lies madness.

But Star Trek... I can handle that in my diminished capacity. What kind of Star Trek am I leaving to my children?

I grabbed Coop after school and we high-tailed it over to the 4pm IMAX. As we took our seats, I was once again surrounded by the warmth of Trekkers loudly expounding on themes from episodes long-past. It was 1979 again and I was ready to see the new adventures of Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the rest on the final frontier.

I watched for two hours as my history with the United Federation of Planets was erased and rewritten. This is a "rebooting" of Star Trek. It is definitely not this old man's Star Trek. It is a faster, funnier, more flash, less philosophy version of the famous crew. There are holes and problems. There always are. But who knows where it will go from here?

Coop loved it. And he loved it for his own reasons. What drew him into the story and the characters was not what had drawn me into the original Star Trek series. He was challenged by different ideas than I was as a kid.

And perhaps that will be how he will handle all the other legacies as well.

That's the future, isn't it?

Feliz Cerdos de Mayo!

Chemo Day 2 and all is well.

Once More Unto The Breach, Dear Friends, Once More

Bill Shakespeare, Henry V

I got my first dose of the ruby red poison this morning after being amply premedicated to prevent nausea.
"Premedicated," now there's a word. Is it a paradox or an oxymoron? They premedicate you with medicine so...

I digress.

My most excellent Nurse Julie pushed it into my IV and I watched red line in the tube snake into my chest. I expected a bigger reaction. I expected to feel something. But all I felt was my own anxiety. I popped an ATRA and drove home.

Now I wait. I wait for my hair to fall out again. I wait to see if I get diarrhea or constipation on the side effect roulette. I wait for my blood to die.

And I wait to go back tomorrow and do it again.

Before You Ask

The new Profile Photo of me shows a number of scrapes. They are nothing to worry about, my dear family and friends. They are the result of an unfortunate collision of face and floor. More embarrassing than painful.

But as they said in Junior High Health class, "If you have rug burns on your face, you are doing it wrong."

And so I am.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

The leukemia I have - APML - is caused by two damaged chromosomes, numbers 15 & 17, pictured above.

The chemotherapy I am getting is designed to repair the damaged chromosomes and get them to play nice in the future.

I'm looking for some kind of 12 Step Program they can get into. If you know of a meeting I can get them to, please let me know.

Daunorubicin My Old Friend, We Meet Again.

It's a love-hate relationship at best. This drug is a carcinogenic poison that could damage my organs and will destroy my bone marrow and my immune system and make me vulnerable to every virus and germ floating by.

Hello Swine Flu!

Of course it will also save my life.

So I am... conflicted.

I get three doses of the drug this week and seven doses of ATRA so I can kick this bitch to the curb. Wait, no... I mean achieve permanent remission.

So, hold on. Here we go!

Fear.

LITANY AGAINST FEAR

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

- Frank Herbert, Dune

I have carried this in my wallet for decades. I am not a big fan of the Dune series but I found that this particular bit of writing spoke to me. My kids are too young to share this with yet, but one day I will show it to them and explain why it has meaning for me. Like all children, they will take what they want from the lesson or ignore it completely.

I am also fond of a quote that is something of a corollary to the Litany. Variations on it have been attributed to Ambrose Redmoon and Mark Twain and others, but Dan Rather distilled it's essence quite nicely:

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
- Dan Rather
That is something I have always taught my kids and something I try to live. I try.

People who don't enjoy or don't "get" Science Fiction often miss the point. The best Science Fiction is not about spaceships and phasers. The best Science Fiction is about human truths even in the most alien worlds.

George Lucas knew that when he based Star Wars on Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey. Luke Skywalker is just another face of The Hero With A Thousand Faces - the myth common to most human cultures. It is a part of our shared humanity.

Despite the fans dogged dedication to the minutiae of Starfleet, Star Trek would be nothing without the story of loyalty, friendship and dedication of the main characters, the lessons learned on the many planets, and the Kobayashi Maru scenario, the no-win situation.

As a cancer patient, I and most of the cancer patients I have met, share the philosophy of James T. Kirk. We don't believe in the no-win scenario. It is a philosophy you might not develop on your own. So it is nice you can get things like that from Science Fiction.

It takes courage to defy the no-win scenario. Courage, in spite of the fear. I see that courage on the faces of my fellow patients sitting in infusion chairs at the Perelman Center. Others may not notice it behind the pain or the concentration or the practiced coolness we all affect. We can't fool the nurses and we can't fool each other. We know we all share the fear.

There is another lesson from Science Fiction which I have shared with my kids. It comes from Batman Begins of all places. They may not share my enthusiasm for Batman, but they have learned this lesson:

"Why do we fall?
So we can learn to pick ourselves up again."
- David Goyer & Christopher Nolan, Batman Begins