The Best Song Ever Written...

...about having cancer.

SWIM by Jack's Mannequin



When I heard this song for the first time on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart it felt like someone had been in the hospital with me or sitting next to me in the chemo chair and writing down the very advice I needed to get through the ordeal.

That's pretty much the story. Jack's Mannequin frontman Andrew McMahon is a survivor of ALL, a particularly nasty form of leukemia. Hell, what am I saying? They're all nasty.

Of course I downloaded it from iTunes immediately. But when I watched the video on YouTube I got another kick in the gut. One of the animated artworks shows a flock of origami cranes forming the word swim. I was instantly transported back to the hospital and the thousand origami cranes hanging around room made by my son Cooper.

I'm petitioning my Congresswoman to add a provision to the Healthcare Reform bill that requires this song to be piped into every cancer patient's room at night when all the visitors have gone home and you wake in the dark surround by strangers and beeping machines. Keep going. You're not alone.

In case you didn't catch all the words:

You gotta swim,
Swim for your life,
Swim for the music,
That saves you,
When you're not so sure you'll survive,
You gotta swim,
And swim when it hurts,
The whole world is watching,
You haven't come this far,
To fall off the earth,

The currents will pull you,
Away from your love,
Just keep your head above,

I found a tidal wave,
Begging to tear down the dawn,
Memories like bullets,
They fired at me from a gun,
Cracking the armor yeah,
I swim for brighter days,
Despite the absence of sun,
Choking on salt water,
I'm not giving in,
Swim,

You gotta swim,
For nights that won’t end,
Swim for your families,
Your lovers your sisters,
And brothers and friends,
Yeah, you gotta swim,
For wars without cause,
Swim for the lost politicians,
Who don't see their greed as a flaw,

The currents will pull us,
Away from our love,
Just keep your head above,

I found a tidal wave,
Begging to tear down the dawn,
Memories like bullets,
They fired at me from a gun,
Cracking the armor yeah,
I swim for brighter days,
Despite the absence of sun,
Choking on salt water,
I'm not giving in,
Well I'm not giving in,
Swim

You gotta swim,
Swim in the dark,
There's no shame in drifting,
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark,
Yeah you gotta swim,
Don't let yourself sink,
Just find the horizon,
I promise you it's not as far as you think,
The currents will drag us away from our love,

Just keep your head above,
Just keep your head above,
Swim,
Just keep your head above,
Swim,
Swim,
Just keep your head above,
Swim.

Absolutely Goddamned Right. Keep swimming.

DONE!

No, no, Thank YOU

My nurses gave me this award for my last day, plus a going-away feast of chocolate-covered fortune cookies. All the fortune cookies had excellent fortunes. Just like me.

Fear.

LITANY AGAINST FEAR

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

- Frank Herbert, Dune

I have carried this in my wallet for decades. I am not a big fan of the Dune series but I found that this particular bit of writing spoke to me. My kids are too young to share this with yet, but one day I will show it to them and explain why it has meaning for me. Like all children, they will take what they want from the lesson or ignore it completely.

I am also fond of a quote that is something of a corollary to the Litany. Variations on it have been attributed to Ambrose Redmoon and Mark Twain and others, but Dan Rather distilled it's essence quite nicely:

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
- Dan Rather
That is something I have always taught my kids and something I try to live. I try.

People who don't enjoy or don't "get" Science Fiction often miss the point. The best Science Fiction is not about spaceships and phasers. The best Science Fiction is about human truths even in the most alien worlds.

George Lucas knew that when he based Star Wars on Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey. Luke Skywalker is just another face of The Hero With A Thousand Faces - the myth common to most human cultures. It is a part of our shared humanity.

Despite the fans dogged dedication to the minutiae of Starfleet, Star Trek would be nothing without the story of loyalty, friendship and dedication of the main characters, the lessons learned on the many planets, and the Kobayashi Maru scenario, the no-win situation.

As a cancer patient, I and most of the cancer patients I have met, share the philosophy of James T. Kirk. We don't believe in the no-win scenario. It is a philosophy you might not develop on your own. So it is nice you can get things like that from Science Fiction.

It takes courage to defy the no-win scenario. Courage, in spite of the fear. I see that courage on the faces of my fellow patients sitting in infusion chairs at the Perelman Center. Others may not notice it behind the pain or the concentration or the practiced coolness we all affect. We can't fool the nurses and we can't fool each other. We know we all share the fear.

There is another lesson from Science Fiction which I have shared with my kids. It comes from Batman Begins of all places. They may not share my enthusiasm for Batman, but they have learned this lesson:

"Why do we fall?
So we can learn to pick ourselves up again."
- David Goyer & Christopher Nolan, Batman Begins